Michel James Kincaid

In life, in business, in real estate, you must maintain control. Your mind set in life will directly determine how you approach people and how you interact; and your give and take, or rather your ability to negotiate, and ultimately your success in business. A good negation allows for both people to maintain control. When one person becomes more dominant than the other, the control is in the hands of the person who has the control. This applies both in your personal life and in business.

Consider this anomaly, why do some women date bad guys? How can successful not so good looking men get attractive girls? How can men like Donald Trump, Richard Branson, Lawrence Joseph Ellison, or Ted Turner, not that they are necessarily bad looking, get such attractive women? The answer to all these questions is control. Control is a basic byproduct of self esteem, both good and bad. The bad guys that some women date have a built up or completely tarnished self esteem. They either think so highly of themselves that they can push women around and make them do what they want or they feel so bad about themselves that they take out their issues on susceptible women. They exude confidence, even if not all of them are confident. In the case of the oddly attractive millionaires and billionaires, they have a high self esteem and negotiate to get what they want everyday in the business world. Their ability to maintain control and the confidence they exude, makes them attractive to not only women, but men. Women are intellectually and sexually attracted to these money moguls. Men are attracted by the level of control, confidence, knowledge, and ultimately the kind of money that such men as Trump, Branson, and Turner have. They want to be like them, not be with them.

The ability to maintain control has to be a necessary component of your life and your business. It is not a man thing; it applies just as predominantly with women as it does with men. Look at the success and rise in the powerful females in the business world. Oprah Winfrey, Martha Stewart, Kimora Lee Simmons, and Suzy Orman all maintain control of their business and have that mindset that allowed for their success. Neither Trump nor Oprah would have gotten to billion dollar status if they could not maintain control of what was going on in their businesses.

Let me give you a few examples of how this works or rather how maintaining control can benefit or lack there of can hurt you.

Let’s use a real estate example to demonstrate maintaining control:

You find a house listed for $250,000. The owners are on the cusp of Foreclosure and the house itself needs some work. Looking at the area and doing your due diligence by finding comps you determine that the house is worth about $210,000 based on the repairs that are needed and the comps you obtained. You learn that there is a mortgage left on it of $165,850. The cost of the repairs to make it worth what other houses in the neighborhood are worth is estimated at between $15,000 and $20,000.

Based on all the factors you make an offer of $185,000.

You have established control. When you make an offer you are in control. They need your help, not the other way around.

They come back scoffing at your little offer and maintain that there brother, sister, uncle, aunt, friend, or realtor said it was worth $280,000 and they lowered it to $250,000 to “help someone get into the house with some equity” (or something of this nature).

What do you do? Now they are vying for control. They are trying to dictate how it is going to be. So how do you handle it?

You know your bottom line is buying it for no more than $200,000. You know this because you have done the work to figure out the numbers, the costs, and you have left some room for you to make a little money. Compared to them, no matter how new or seasoned you may be, you’re are an expert. You must maintain control. If you allow them the control and buy it at $210,000 or more, let alone the full asking price of $250,000, you will solve their problem only to create one for yourself. Not to mention you will look weak in their eyes, no where near the savior you were trying to be and not even in the realm of being called a businessman( or business woman) or an investor.

You tell them, the max that you can offer them is $195,500 and that if they are unwilling to lower their price that you cannot help them. You have maintained control. It’s not about being mean or greedy it’s about letting them know where you stand and showing them that you are confidant enough to walk if they don’t want to negotiate. There are many creative ways for them to get what they need and for you to get what you need, but if they are unwilling then they do not solve their problem, you cannot solve their problem, and chances are they may lose there house or get offered even less than you offered later on. Now if on the other hand they agree then you are in control, and because you are in control and can make it happen, you help them and you help yourself. You are not bullying them into it, you simply know more than them and you know what has to be done to make it mutually beneficial. If you hadn’t maintained control you would have been stuck with a money draining problem that the sellers would have handed you happily. Give in enough times and you will have no business and plenty of debt and you will have been outsmarted by a misinformed or stubborn sellers.

How about in life? How does maintaining control benefit or harm you?

Before I go into examples let me first say this. Maintaining control is not about manipulation, or selfishness or even dominance. Maintaining Control should be used to prevent manipulation, selfishness, and dominance over another person, it’s intent is to keep both sides equal, and if both sides maintain control of themselves, then it will truly be equal. I feel that I have confused some of you, so let’s look at an example to help clarify:

Have you ever see or been in a relationship where one person was more in control of the relationship than the other? One dictates what the couple is going to do for dinner, for vacation, what can and can’t be said by the other person, who that other person is allowed to associate with, what movies to watch, what shows they are watching, and so on.

Been there, done that?

Does that relationship, especially if you’re in it, seem like it is going well? Do both people seem happy with how things are going? Does it seem that both have a level of control?

You know they don’t, at least not in the eyes of the person being controlled. But what if both had control? What if the control was equal? What if both could maintain control?

I will give you an example of 2 couples who have equal control. Two power couples who make their own way with or without the other person. The first is Russell Simmons and his wife Kimora. The second is Robert Kiyosoki and his wife Kim. They are so similar in their ability to maintain control, I can tell you about both couples at the same time. I interviewed the couples separately but came up with a lot of similar traits.

There are no arguments, only conversations or discussions.

What causes arguments in a relationship? Money, sex, Jealousy, distrust, time together or time apart, etc.

Each loves the other and loves to spend time with that person, but they don’t NEED to do everything together, or agree on everything. The mutual respect and equality in control between them allows them to never be jealous, there is no distrust, there is never a “No” when it comes to being intimate, time together is precious but time apart is just as important, and no one owns or attempts to control the actions or words of the other. When they are both home they cook dinner together or go out to dinner together. They have exciting, busy lives, and they enjoy sharing the activities of there days with the other over dinner. After dinner they will either spend some time together watching a movie or enjoying each others company, or they will go and do there own thing without the other person. There is no feeling obligated if one person wants to go to sleep and the other wants to stay up late, if one wants to go out and the other wants to stay in; they do what they want because they understand that time together is important, but that each persons individuality is just as important. Is there fear of infidelity? No not in the least, their marriages are based on a love and commitment to one another. Both people are “turned on” by the other and each has a passion for the other person as well as for their successes.

With or despite your great success or lack there of, is there this kind of relationship with you and your significant other? Do you value them enough to even call them significant? If the answer is no to either or both, why do you think that is? Control of course. Is it really that simplified? Is it really that basic? Some might disagree with me, but I think if the beginning or the basis of a relationship allowed for both people to maintain individuality within the structure of a couple that the two would grow within themselves. Each would have a lot more respect for the other. They would enjoy the other so much more. They would love spending time with that person because they knew that they would not HAVE to be connected at the hip every moment of the day and so they would treasure the time together. The intimacy would be that much greater and the connection with the other person would be that much stronger. More smiles and less frowns as my associate terms it.

In the end, and this is only the beginning of my thoughts and analysis of maintaining control, control is not about the other person but about the individual. If you can’t control yourself, do you expect someone else to do it for you?

The self esteem and confidence that comes from maintaining control of oneself ultimately leads to success in every area of that person’s life.

In business and real estate it will show others that you have the ability to manage and control situations, not control the people in them. No one likes to be controlled, but many will follow if that person can exude that they have control of themselves, as well as their business.

In relationships it will show others that we aren’t fearful to be with another nor are you afraid to be alone. It will create trust in you as well as your trust towards others, and our confidence will make others more confident, especially the person you are with.

Till next time; keep control of thyself.

Michael James Kincaid

Psychologist/ Investor/ Businessman